words that work

We’ve all experienced times when we thought we understood someone or they understood us, only to later find out that we are on totally different pages. We end up wondering how this could have happened when we thought we were clearly communicating with each other. Yet if we think about it, we might find that regardless of how important our communication is we often give it short shrift, assuming that the message sent and the message received are the same.

Instead of assuming, we can take a few simple steps when we want to ensure that they are the same. The communication between air traffic control and aircraft pilots provides a lesson in how to do this.

Here’s a short exchange between an Air Canada flight and air traffic control:

ATC: “Air Canada 452, good afternoon, taxi Whiskey and Delta for runway 06 left”
AC 452: “Whiskey and Delta for 6 left, 452″
ATC: “Air Canada 452 continue on Delta, hold short of 6 left”
AC 452: “Delta, hold short of 6 left”
ATC: “Air Canada 452 taxi into position 6 left”
AC 452: “Roger into position, 452″[1]

Though we may not understand the cryptic jargon, the pattern is clear; the receiving party repeats what they understood the message to be. In what can easily be a life and death situation, it has been instilled into the culture and the communication patterns that it is important to make sure that the message sent is the same as the message received.

This might seem abnormal in terms of the way we typically communicate, yet there are simple ways to make sure you are heard the way you would like or that you understand someone else that sound natural and commonplace. We can take these steps as either the person sending the communication or the person receiving it, simply through making a request.

Let’s start with when we are the speaker and want to know whether we have communicated clearly with someone. What we often say in a situation like this is something like “Do you understand?” and then accept the reply of “Yes.” Yet we actually have no basis for trusting that understanding has been reached; we don’t know what the other person has understood, and it may in fact not be at all what we intended that they understand. Instead of asking if the person has understood, we might instead say something like this; “I want to trust that you and I are on the same wavelength, would you mind telling me the gist of what you just heard me say?”

If you are listening to someone and they ask you whether you’ve understood, instead of saying yes, you can check your understanding by saying “Well, what I hear you saying is this…” If they do not ask you, but you still want to ensure that you’ve heard what they want you to hear, you can say something like, “Hold on, I just want to make sure I understand what you’re telling me, is this what you’re saying…?” Then reflect back what you heard. You don’t have to repeat everything the person said, just reflect the key piece as you understand it. Make sure you phrase it as a question, or state it and then ask “Is that right?” or “Is that what you were hoping to get across?” Doing so also helps the speaker to clarify and be more specific about what they are trying to say.

In either case, whether you are sending the message or receiving it, notice that these examples start with enrolling the person in why you are asking the question. Since these are not typical communication patterns, letting the person know the motivation for them is connecting: responding to the request might meet your needs for trust, understanding, or clarity, for example.

Checking that the message sent is the message received is helpful in a number of situations. When we want to make sure instructions are clear, such as when we are giving direction to someone who reports to us in a work situation, we might want some assurance that they have understood what we are asking. If we have been in a meeting where a number of action items have been agreed upon, we might use a similar format to summarize and make sure that agreements are clear. Asking a kind of wrap-up question, such as “Here is what I have down that we have agreed on…. Is there anything that I’ve missed?” helps everyone be clear about the outcomes of the meeting.

Confirming our communication is also important when we want to be heard about something that has affected us; perhaps a decision was made without our input that impacts our ability to do our work effectively. When we discuss the effect of the decision with our boss, we might want to take steps to ensure that he or she hears what we are really saying and not adding in an interpretation that we do not intend.

Making these types of requests in our communication supports understanding, being heard in the way we would like, and clarity of communication. In the next week, see if you can use these questions both when you are speaking to someone else and want to be understood, as well as when someone else is speaking to you. What do you notice?

Post by Ike Lasater with Julie Stiles

[1] From http://www.canairradio.com/ttt.html