words that work

We all project both positive and negative images onto other people. In our negative images we judge, label, and diagnose; in positive ones, we admire, label, and even revere. The effect is essentially the same; whether we are projecting our positive or negative images onto another person, we put them in a box. We limit their full humanity, consigning them to the boundaries of our label.

Now that I’m in the role of a teacher, I am sometimes the recipient of positive images from other people, and, as we all do, I have also projected my own positive images onto others, notably celebrities. For example, if I went to a gathering and certain people—political or media celebrities—sat down next to me, I would feel awkward and not know what to say. I would feel uncomfortable because of my idealized images of them.

I notice that I feel equally uncomfortable when someone has positive images of me. In this article, I’d like to share my reactions on both sides, when I’m the object and when I’m making someone else the object of positive images, as well as what I would like to be able to do in either situation.

My Idealized Images of Others

I feel very uncomfortable if I’m in a public place and a celebrity is there; I’ve been in various settings—airports, restaurants—where suddenly a flurry of activity happens because a celebrity of some sort is nearby. First I have my reaction and I’m uncomfortable and embarrassed about that, and then I notice the reaction of the people I’m with and it embarrasses me that they are reacting that way.

The reaction I have is thinking that somehow the person is better than me. I’ve been around movie celebrities whose work had touched me and I wanted to be able to connect with them in a very human way that did not put them up on a pedestal; that accepted all of who they are. I wanted to be able to give them feedback without it dehumanizing them or me, to say something like; “I’ve seen several of your movies and in this particular movie when your character was dealing with this issue, it really touched me, I’ve thought about it many times since and I just wanted to know that and to thank you very much for the work that you do.” I have wanted to give similar feedback to writers whose writing has helped me have insights or clarified distinctions that helped me live my life more in the way I’d like. Yet I have never able to give this feedback because I felt estranged. I imagine there’s some kind of barrier between us, and I don’t know how to reach out in a way that would maintain their humanity and mine.

There’s a part of me that sees that I’m doing it to myself—I’m the one putting up this barrier between me and the other person, and I get upset at myself because I can’t just think it away. I feel like I am putting them in a prison, and in doing so also putting myself in a prison. I desperately want to get out of it and I don’t have a magic wand to wave in that moment to escape.

I’ve also experienced times when this pattern does not happen. I’ve been in situations with people who are well-known or in the same fields and have not put up the same barrier, or not to the same extent. In one situation my kids were there and had a rapport with the person, which helped me have some connection. I have a friend I’ve known for 30 years who has now written a couple of books that have been very moving to me and he is becoming well-known in his field, and I have not blocked myself from being able to tell him that he wrote two books that shook my world. I sat on the airplane once flying across the Atlantic next to a Hollywood director, and we had a fascinating conversation the whole way; I had never heard of him before, and I didn’t feel uncomfortable or limited or alienated from talking to him about his work; I was just curious about his experience.

This is the kind of experience I want to have with any celebrity; I don’t want to interrupt these people in the midst of going about their business, but if we sat down next to each other on a plane I would want to feel comfortable to just banter for a few minutes. I would like to be at ease, to be able to engage and express appreciation and gratitude if that’s what comes up, or just be curious, as I was sitting next to the Hollywood director on the airplane. I would like to give that person the gift of my being at ease in their presence, to be able to just receive them however they are showing up in that moment, without any predetermination about what I would say or do. I imagine that would be a contribution because when the roles are reversed I find it uncomfortable to be around someone who’s uncomfortable being with me because they think I’m someone special.

One of my kids has this gift, of just being a satisfying human being to hang out with. I would drive him around when he was a kid to various events and, whether we were talking or not, being in his presence felt like a balm to my spirit. I would like to be able to give that gift to myself and then to everyone I meet, and not cut myself off from it by having a positive but dehumanizing image of someone.

When I’m the Object of an Idealized Image

When I’m the object of an idealized image and someone says something that’s generally laudatory to me, I feel immediately uncomfortable, and my first impulse is to flee. I get scared; if someone has an idealized image of me then I don’t get to be seen, and my first reaction is fear and flight. My reaction happens almost as quickly as if I had seen a rattlesnake in front of me, before any cognitive process takes place. I think that reaction comes from a sense that I don’t really get to exist to them; I’m not alive, I don’t get to be me, and I won’t be accepted for all the parts of me, including my foibles.

I then have all these thoughts about how, based on what the person has just said, they don’t really know me. If they say something about how kind or tender I am, I’m thinking “Well yeah, but how about his other part of you that gets grumpy and can be rude and mean and self-centered?” I tend not to accept their appreciation and I deprecate it in some way; I often give them the counterpoint to whatever compliment they’ve given me and turn it into a joke. For example, if someone says something about how touched they were by the depth of my care for someone, I may joke and say “Well, I wish it was always the case, but I fall way short of the kind of care I would like to have all too often, but thank you.”

What I would like to do instead is to be willing to accept what the other person is saying and guess their needs, maybe even empathizing out loud with them. I have this idea that if I don’t give them the counterpoint to what they said then I’m agreeing with them, but that’s not necessarily true. If I stay interested in what needs the person is meeting by saying what they are saying it helps me connect to them. I think often in the moment of speaking to someone we hold an idealized image of we don’t necessarily say what we mean or use the best words to convey what’s really true for us, we just kind of blurt something out. If I can connect to what’s going on for the person that is prompting them to talk to me, I can get beyond what they’ve said and my own immediate reaction to it.

I’ve taught myself to go toward someone who is giving negative feedback with a kind of care and tenderness. I have a similar reaction in those situations of fear and flight, but through practice I can now move through that reaction by staying focused on finding the need behind what the person is saying. When someone is bringing positive feedback to me I am not as effective at being able to lean towards them and find out with some richness and understanding what is motivating them to say what they said and what it really means to them underneath the words. I would like to pay that same level of attention, care, and curiosity when someone brings me positive feedback as when they give negative feedback.

What’s interesting to me is that even though these two situations—projecting my own positive images onto someone else and being the recipient of positive images—feel very different as I’m experiencing them, the needs I’d like to meet are very similar. I want to have connection and companionship with people, get closer to knowing them, and for them to get to know me. I want a kind of equality, to get to be me and be seen and valued for who I am. Whether I have the idealized image of another person or it is directed toward me, I would like to create a sense of shared humanity between us.

Post by Ike Lasater with Julie Stiles