The four contexts, as many of you know, are internal (within your own head), interpersonal (when you are in a conflict with another person), informal (when you stick your nose in other people’s business without being asked), and formal (when you are asked formally to mediate). With complex issues that we are personally involved in, all four contexts can easily come into play.

It is often good to start with internal mediation, as it helps you communicate more clearly through all the other contexts. Internal mediation also weaves through all of them, as you can constantly be checking in with yourself and connecting to your feelings and needs. Whether you are a student being bullied or witnessing your peers being bullied, a parent concerned about your child, or work in a school and care about the children, doing your internal work first can be very powerful. Use internal mediation and the enemy image process to get clear about what you want to do and how you want to support the people you care about. Besides the tools in the last posts, you can also enlist a support team to help you get connected with your feelings and needs and decide how you want to proceed.

If you witness someone being bullied and, after connecting with yourself, decide you want to say something to the bully, you are in the realm of interpersonal mediation, where you are a party and thus playing two roles simultaneously—mediator as well as participant in the conversation. Similarly, any conversation where you are making a request of someone to intervene can also be seen as an interpersonal mediation. For example, if you are a parent concerned about your child being picked on at school, you might want to have a conversation with the teacher or an administrator at the school and request their help with the issue. You can approach this as an interpersonal mediation, which in essence means that you go back and forth between empathizing with the other person and expressing your own needs, until together you find a strategy that meets both of your needs.

Informal mediation, or, as Marshall Rosenberg calls it, “sticking your nose in other people’s business without being asked” might come about if you intervene in a bullying situation, or if you are not part of a discussion between others about the issue but you step in to lend your skills. This context generally requires that you be more expressive about your reasons for intervening, trying to connect people with the needs you are trying to meet by doing so.

If you were asked to mediate or facilitate a conversation, you would be in the context of formal mediation. Perhaps a parent group, the administration of a school, or a student council wants to have a discussion about the issue and would like a facilitator to make sure the conversation stays on track. In formal mediation, you actually draw from all the other contexts at the same time. As mediator, you stay present with your own feelings and needs throughout the conversation, you engage with each party individually as you would in interpersonal mediation, and if things get heated you might intervene in the same way you would informally.

As a concerned person wanting to make a difference in your community, you can use your understanding of these four contexts to navigate your way through all the conversations necessary to make the difference you want to make. Each conversation is a mediation, whether it’s with someone who is bullying or being bullied, with their parents, with the teachers and administrators at the school, or in efforts to get community involvement. For each conversation, you can do internal work to prepare yourself and make sure you have no enemy images of the others involved, and then enter into the conversation ready to connect and care about others and their point of view.

This post was written by Ike Lasater with Julie Stiles

We all face difficult conversations in the workplace: criticism from our boss, a conflict with a client, a co-worker we find irritating, a subordinate who submits incomplete work—these all might entail a conversation we do not look forward to having. When we anticipate that an interaction might be complicated, there are steps we can take to engage with the other person in ways that are more likely to be satisfying.

We might think about this in three stages: preparing for the conversation, having it, and then learning from it afterward. These three stages may then repeat. If you find that there is an ongoing difficulty in having the kind of connection and relationship you would like to have with a person, you might cycle through these three stages again and again, learning more each time.

The preparing stage involves making sure that you have done your enemy image work ahead of time (see Chapter 5 of Words That Word In Business). If you anticipate that the conversation will be difficult, you might well have judgments and analyses of the person based on past interactions.

Doing the enemy image process—giving yourself empathy for your judgments and doing silent empathy for the other person—can help you transform the intense emotional charge you might otherwise have going into the conversation, a charge that will tend to create exactly what you don’t want.

This is particularly true when you have thoughts that you want to make sure you don’t act on. For example, some part of you may believe that the other person is not treating you fairly. If you simply think, “Well, I don’t want to say anything about them not treating me fairly,” you have actually increased the likelihood that your judgment will leak out in some way. In doing the enemy image process, you rehumanize the person and connect with your own needs.

In preparation, you also may want to practice having the conversation with someone else in a role-play. You can tell the other person what you imagine would be difficult for you to hear from the person, and then in the role-play take the time to give yourself empathy, do silent empathy, then formulate a response. In practice this may take a few minutes, but you will still be learning in-the-moment reaction skills by slowing it down—skills that may well serve you during the actual conversation.

Right before having the conversation, you might want to plan in some time to do self-empathy. Typically, there will be an upwelling of concerns and anxieties before going into a difficult situation; planning a self-empathy session around your reaction to anticipating the conversation, especially with a support person, can help you be present when you go into it. Setting an intention for the conversation ahead of time will also help. You can keep your intention fresh in your mind during the conversation by writing it on a three-by-five card, your hand, or your notepad.

You might well have planned how you want to start, and you may have role-played various versions of the conversation, but in the actual conversation, you want to be as present as possible and not rely on a script that cannot be true to the present moment. Holding your intention foremost in your mind instead of a planned script will help you maintain the kind of spontaneity and flow that the other person is likely to expect from you.

If you are able to do self-empathy during the conversation, it can help by keeping you present to your needs; however, when first learning, it may be more than enough challenge to simply be in the conversation with as much presence as you can muster.

I have found it is best to anticipate that after the conversation, there’s going to be a flood of judgmental thoughts about yourself, the other person, and the situation—try to schedule a time to do empathy.

During this time, you can celebrate and mourn the needs met and not met in thinking about what happened during the conversation, and you can guess the needs of the other person. You can then shift into figuring out and naming what you learned. In this learning, you might replay how the conversation went, either in your head or again in a role-play with someone else—but replay it as you would like it to have happened. In this way, you are creating neural networks that store the information in the brain in a way that makes it more readily available when you are next in a similar situation.

After going through this process, you then think about the next step, if there is one. As you plan for that step, if it includes another conversation, you cycle back to the first stage of preparation.

This post was written by Ike Lasater with Julie Stiles