Mediation and Mediator Self-Care: A Nonviolent
Communication Approach
Ike Lasater1,
John Kinyon2, with Julie Stiles
Words That Work1
05-410 Jozefow
Poland
Center for
Nonviolent Communication2
4425 Meadowbrook Dr.
El Sobrante, CA 94803 USA
510-222-5574
Abstract
NVC Mediation provides a powerful tool for
working with conflicts and includes a structure and skills that can be used to
care for ourselves as mediators. Emerging from Nonviolent Communication, the
model of communication created by Marshall Rosenberg, this form of mediation
focuses on the basic, universal needs that people act from as opposed to the
strategies that they tend to be in conflict about. When the needs of each point
of view are heard and understood, strategies can be found that work for all.
These points of view might occur internally, between oneself and another person,
or between two or more outside parties.
Thus, NVC mediation is the only mediation model we know of that can be applied to working with internal conflicts or to conflicts where the mediator is a party of the conflict. Our own internal conflict can get in the way of being present and effective in mediation. When we judge ourselves as mediators or judge the parties in the dispute, these Òenemy imagesÓ create internal conflict. Using self-empathy and mediating our internal dialogue before, during, and after mediations, we learn to quickly recognize when we are in internal conflict and reconnect to our needs. Caring for ourselves in this way we find that we become better able to connect with others; in being non-reactive we are better able to treat all disputants equally.
Through a set of learnable skills, we can
successfully mediate our own internal conflicts as well as otherÕs disputes.
NVC is therefore scalable, from one individual up to groups of a hundred people
or more. Through the skill of empathy, this form of mediation supports people
in being heard and honors the disputantsÕ life experience through encouraging
them to communicate as they would like and find their own solutions to the
conflict.
Keywords
Nonviolent Communication, NVC Mediation, Mediator Self-Care, Enemy Image Process, Internal Conflict, Empathy, Self-Empathy
Introduction
We all encounter conflict, whether internally or in relationships with other people, and as mediators, we also knowingly put ourselves in the midst of other peopleÕs conflicts. In mediating using the basic principles of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), we have found a powerful model for not only helping others resolve conflicts, but also for caring for ourselves.
NVC, a communication model developed by Marshall
Rosenberg, Ph.D., suggests that we all act at every moment to meet our needs.
Needs are universal and are our primary motivators, that which animates us in
the world. These needs might be basic survival needs, such as air, water,
shelter, and food, but they also include those things we need to thrive, such
as touch, connection, fun, meaning, intimacy, respect, and autonomy. There are
a multitude of ways to get any of our needs met. Thus, when there is conflict,
it is never conflict over needs; the conflict is over the strategies to get our
needs met. In NVC mediation, then, we focus on uncovering the needs behind the
strategies. Any conflict has at least two points of view, and when the needs
behind each point of view are heard and understood then a strategy can be found
that will work for all perspectives.
The differing points of view might be internal,
they might be between our self and another person, or they might be between
other people. NVC mediation can be applied to any of these permutations of conflict.
This creates an incredibly potent model for us as mediators; in essence, we are
practicing our craft on ourselves in our own internal conflicts, when we are a
party to a conflict, or when we are formally mediating. In doing so, we become
more skilled at using it and we take care of ourselves in ways that make us
more effective at mediating other peopleÕs conflicts.
In much of the mediation world, impartiality and
neutrality are held up as two key values for mediators, to the point where they
are seen as ethical precepts of how to be a good mediator. It often seems,
however, that much more emphasis is placed on talking about these values and
reaffirming the intention and attitude of them than on how to actually be impartial
or neutral.
Often the stresses of being a mediator are
related to how we are thinking in our work. Mediators are human beings. We each
grew up in a certain cultural context that imbued us with ways of thinking and
evaluating, and invariably we bring these with us when we mediate. In our view,
mediation begins when we first talk to one of the parties and ask them to tell
us about whatÕs going on. As we collect information through reflecting back
what weÕre hearing the person say, we often begin to have reactions to their
story and formulate judgments of the person weÕre speaking to or the other
people involved in the situation. In addition, we are dealing with people who
very often are trying to enlist us in their own judgments of each other, and we
almost certainly will at times find ourselves in agreement with some of these
judgments. We also might judge them for having judgments about the other
people.
Of course, the judgment may not only be of other
people; we may also evaluate ourselves. In particular, there are the judgments
we might have if we notice that we are judging the partiesÑwe might judge
ourselves for judging others and think that we shouldnÕt have judgmentsÑwe
should be neutral and impartial. This line of thinking is a hall of mirrors, a
spiral of self-judgment that keeps us disconnected from ourselves and others.
We call all of these Òenemy images,Ó a term we borrowed from Marshall
Rosenberg. We have an enemy image any time we have a judgment, evaluation,
analysis, or diagnosis of another person or ourselves. ItÕs our experience that
when we have enemy images, those thoughts can be quite intrusive and impact our
choices in ways that we donÕt like.
None of this means we are a bad mediator; in
fact, our awareness of these tendencies can make us a better one. What we need,
however, is a way to work with the thoughts we have, not another dictate or
guideline that simply tells us what the end result should be. We have never
found it successful to simply tell ourselves not to have judgments or not to
act out of them. We also donÕt know of any school or tradition besides NVC that
actually shows you how to be neutral and impartial when you do not in reality
feel that way.
The mediator self-care process we outline in this
paper, which emerges from the Nonviolent Communication work of Marshall
Rosenberg, outlines a step-by-step process to shift from having judgments and
enemy images to creating the inner reality of impartiality and neutrality.
Through focusing our attention in a certain way and learning a set of doable
skills, we can move from a state of reactivity to being equally connected to
each of the parties, caring for their well-being, and wanting their needs to
get met. We can actually experience this state rather than thinking we should
be there even though we are not.
One way to work with enemy images is to
transform them into a connection with our needs. When we are judging ourselves
or another person, that judgment is an expression of one or more unmet needs. In
other words, at some level our organism is trying to meet some universal need
of ours through having this judgment. If we can uncover the need that the
judgment is seeking to satisfy, it gives us more space from which to engage
with ourselves or other people. We can also better see the possibilities that
exist to get our needs met and contribute to others meeting theirs.
Thus, the power of this approach is that it
provides a way for us to actually change our internal state. We can change our
neural pathways and bodily chemistry by doing the process we outline below over
and over again, and actually feel different internally. Creating the shift from
reactivity and judgment to connection, care, and compassion is, in our view,
the key to being an effective mediator.
Mediator self-care can be practiced at any stage
in mediating a conflictÑbefore, during, or after. Though we name the process
differently based on whether it is before the mediation or after, the essential
structure is the same:
Before we are in the mediation, we are focused
on our enemy images, therefore we call the process we use the ÒEnemy Image
Process.Ó We can also use this process during the mediation. After a mediation,
we naturally begin to think about what happened during the mediation; we might
have judgments about something we did, feel uncomfortable about a choice we
made, or recall times when things just did not go as we would have liked. It
can also be helpful to recall those things that did feel satisfying, when we
made a choice we liked, and when we felt our actions or words contributed.
Thus, we call the process after mediation Celebrate/Mourn/Learn; we look at
what worked or didnÕt work and find our met and unmet needs, learning how to
better meet our needs in the process. Since this basic structure is also the
basic structure of the formal mediation process we use, we are consistently
practicing and using mediation skills both internally and externally throughout
the mediation.
The Enemy Image Process has three parts: empathy
for self, empathy for other, and requests. The steps can be laid out as
follows:
Once you have empathized with yourself, turn
your attention to the other person or people involved:
After surfacing all of the needs, you can then
see what requestsÑof yourself or someone elseÑemerge from the awareness of
needs. The quality of self-connection that comes from doing empathy helps you
see new possibilities for ways of thinking and taking action that are more
likely to be effective. To show how this works in practice, weÕll take you
through a real example that one of us is currently experiencing.
I (John) am in the beginning stages of mediating
between a couple who are getting a divorce. So far, the situation has unfolded
as follows. The woman called me and we talked for awhile; she told me how
difficult and screwed up her husband is, how he is somewhat mentally unstable and
has at times exhibited totally inappropriate behavior. I started to have enemy
images of him from that conversation. I then talked to him on the phone. He was
very skeptical about NVC mediation, but he told me his story and I empathized,
spending about an hour on the phone with him reflecting back what I was hearing
and trying to connect with his needs. Of course, his view was that his wife had
significant mental problems and also exhibits behavior that is totally
inappropriate. I then started thinking ÒUh oh, maybe sheÕs the one who is
really messed up.Ó I then had another conversation with her, and she told me
that her husband had told her that I didnÕt know what I was doing. When I heard
that, I felt incredibly angry and had thoughts running through my mind about
him that are not printable.
As with any process, we first need to be aware
of and observe whatÕs going on. When I step back and witness my thoughts, it is
clear that I have a lot of judgments and stories running through my mind about
these two people and myself. I have enemy images of both of them from hearing
their perspective about each other. I have enemy images of the husband from
hearing that he questions my abilities. Finally, I have enemy images of myself,
because when I hear that heÕs questioning my abilities, a part of me thinks ÒIs
he right? Do I really know what IÕm doing?Ó
In the first step of the enemy image process, I
empathize with myself, getting connected to my feelings and my own unmet needs
when I hear them talking about each other and about me. When I observe all of
the enemy images I have, I feel angry, and also anxious and concerned about who
these people really are. I am aware of tentativeness in me; I want to close
down a little bit. I not only name these feelings but also feel what these
words are pointing to in my emotional and somatic experience; I try to be
present in my body.
I know that my judgments and feelings are an
expression of my deeper needs, so next I inquire into what those needs might
be. In my reactions to hearing their perspectives of each other, I realize that
one need is trust; I want to trust what I hear from them and have a sense of
faith or confidence in what they are saying. In my questioning myself, I can
see a need for contribution; I really want to be able to contribute to both of
them being heard and understood as they would like. My feeling of anger at the
husband when I hear from the wife that he doesnÕt think I know what IÕm doing
points to a need for appreciation; I spent an hour on the phone with him giving
him empathy and listening to him, and I would like some appreciation for that.
So my unmet needs are for appreciation, contribution, and trust.
After doing this first step of observing my
thoughts, dropping into my feelings, and connecting with the needs, I feel less
reactive. I feel some sadness, but also a calmness and peacefulness that is in
contrast to the more arousing emotions I felt earlier.
When I have re-connected to myself through my
self-empathy, I then turn to empathizing with the husband and wife. I wonder
how they might be feeling and what needs they might be seeking to meet in their
words and actions. I take this inquiry on as a way to continue supporting
myself to let go of my enemy images and continue to shift my internal state,
not to be nice to them or be compassionate or be a ÒgoodÓ mediator. ItÕs a way
of giving myself a gift through further letting go of enemy images that do not
feel good and keep me from being as effective as I would like.
My guess is that both the husband and wife are
desperately longing to be understood for the pain and difficulty that they are
going through in relation to the other person. I suspect they would both like
the other person to know what itÕs been like for them to go through the situation,
and for other people to understand their enormous frustration and pain. I also
think they are longing for cooperationÑto be able to work together to get their
needs metÑand they are in a lot of pain about not experiencing that
cooperation. As a result each of them have many enemy images of each other that
emerge out of their needs for cooperation and care.
When I think about what the husband may have
said about me, IÕm guessing he might be scared about being disappointed by yet
another person who is trying to help. Maybe he has experienced attempts to help
that failed, and is wary of putting even any hope, much less time, money, and
energy, into another possibility that may lead to more disappointment. He might
really want help in getting to a place where he can enjoy his life with his
children and have some peace and harmony with his ex-wife, but needs some hope
and trust that whatever he puts energy into will actually deliver.
As I think about where he might be coming from,
my whole chemistry shiftsÑmy body and emotions feel completely different. I
still do not like how he chose to try to meet his needs, but I can really
empathize with what his needs might be. I feel a total release of my judgments
of him and my anger and reactiveness around those judgments. In its place, I
feel care, and even softness and warmth toward this man who has experienced
this difficulty. Again, I feel much better after this second step.
In the third step of the enemy image process, I
first want to remind myself of all of the needs that I have surfaced in doing
empathy. I want to hold all of these needs equally, since whether they were my
unmet needs in the situation or other peopleÕs needs, needs are universal, so
they are all my needs. The needs I surfaced in empathizing for myself were to
have some sense of trust about what these people are telling me, to be
connected to my own ability to contribute and make a difference, and for
appreciation for what I have to give. I hold those together with the needs for
understanding, trust, cooperation, and support that I uncovered in empathizing
for the couple. At this point, deepening into all of these needs, I then look
for any requests I have of myself.
One request has to do with my need for
appreciation that was not met when I heard the husbandÕs feedback through his
wife. First, I realize that I am hearing his thoughts second hand and I donÕt
know what he really said; part of my request is just reminding myself that what
he said or meant might have been very different. In any case, my need for
appreciation is real; however, I donÕt want to need it from him because in
doing so it becomes a demand and I conflate my need with a strategy for meeting
that need. I can, however, at least give myself appreciation for my willingness
to give my time, energy, and care. I have yet to ask for money in the
situation, so all of my time has been given freely, and I can give myself some
care and recognition for the time and effort I put in, however helpful either
the husband or wife have found our conversations.
Another insight that comes to mind is that I
have some concern about whether this situation is going to take more time or
energy than I really have right now. I realize that I have a request around
taking care of myself, and as things move forward to keep checking in with
myself about whether this is something that I can really help with in a way
that feels meaningful. I might remind myself after the next conversation to
check in about whether IÕm doing this because I think I should or I hope to get
money out of it, and to inquire into whether I want to be working with these
people and if it is a good fit for all of us. My request is to be sensitive to
my own resources and to making sure that if I move forward in working with one
or both of them, I do so with an awareness of the needs that I am meeting.
During mediation, anytime you catch a judgment of yourself or another person it is a time for self-care. For example, you might notice that you are having the thought that somebody is being difficult or impossible, which is a clue that you are no longer connected to that person. Or, your judgmental thoughts might have to do with yourself; perhaps you find yourself thinking ÒIÕm out of my depth here; IÕm going to screw up. This isnÕt going to work.Ó This thought indicates that you are not connected with yourself, which will make it difficult to connect with others or contribute to creating connection between them. If these thoughts feel too difficult to work with in the moment, you can request a short break and do the enemy image process away from the mediating table.
It does not have to take a long time to re-connect, however. With a little practice, self-care can be done relatively quickly while you stay within the flow of the conversation. In just a few short breaths, you can turn inward, become aware of your thoughts, connect with your feelings and needs, and then turn back to focusing on the parties. In this way you can skillfully reconnect with what needs you are seeking to meet at that moment when you notice that you are having thoughts of judgment. The more you practice outside a conflict situation, particularly in preparing to mediate, the more readily the skill will be available while in the heat of the moment.
I (Ike) find that after IÕve done something, in
a mediation or otherwise, I tend to fall into my cultural training of trying to
figure out who should be judged and how: who is to blame, who did good or bad,
who is at fault. This is a kind of learning cycle; IÕve done something, and now
IÕm evaluating it. The conversation in my mind boils down to one of two
possibilities, either, ÒWow, that was terrific!Ó or ÒThat was terrible, thereÕs
something wrong with those other people, or there is something wrong with me.Ó
After a mediation, for example, I might think ÒIf only they had been less
resistant and more caring and considerate, it would have gone the way I would
have liked.Ó If IÕm blaming myself, I might think something along the lines of,
ÒIf only I had not made that mistake! I missed that point and if I had not
screwed that up, the whole thing would have gone much better.Ó
I know when I am in this learning cycle because
I feel terrible. My tendency is to try to ignore my judgments about what
happened, or try to reassure myself or argue myself out of them by saying they
arenÕt accurate, but those approaches do not help me to feel any better. When I
stay in this cycle, as I think about what I might do in the future, I am really
creating a plan to avoid experiencing this kind of punishment again. This might
mean the next time a similar situation comes up I will withdraw in my attempt
to avoid pain. My learning in this cycle is stuntedÑIÕm learning to move away
from what I donÕt want instead of to move toward what I do want. ItÕs a
feedback loop that perpetuates outcomes I donÕt like.
When we celebrate and mourn, itÕs a way to shift
this type of learning cycle from producing negative outcomes to producing more
positive onesÑoutcomes with consequences I like better. The primary shift
happens in the second part of the cycle, where we look at what has happened. We
still do whatever we do, but instead of judging it to find out whoÕs in the
wrong, we evaluate it in terms of whether it met our needs or not. If it met
our needs, we celebrate; if it did not meet our needs, we mourn. In the
process, we connect deeply with all of those needs, whether they were met or
not, and inhabit the feelings that come up when we imagine those needs being
met. When we then think about what we might do in the future, our focus is on
what we could do that would better meet these needs. If needs were met, then we
consider how to continue to meet them, if they were not met, then we reflect on
how we might do things differently. Shifting into a learning cycle where the
focus is on meeting needs fuels us to continue to learn. Rather than the
learning cycle where we are trying to avoid pain, we more often end up with a
sense of well being and wanting to learn how to better meet our needs.
The basic process to Celebrate/Mourn/Learn is as
follows:
After celebrating what worked and filling
yourself with the energy of meeting your needs, turn your attention to
mourning:
To see how this process works, I (Ike) will go
through an example of a recent mediation I was in and share my celebration and
mourning afterward.
A couple came to me wanting to mediate a
conflict they were in regarding a vacation the husband was going to take
without the wife and their two children. He was going to go on vacation with
his father-in-law, camping and trekking in rough country accessible only
through four-wheel drive vehicles. The wife was upset because she did not feel
considered in the planning of the trip; it meant that she would be without her
husbandÕs support with the kids for the duration of the trip. She was also
torn, because she wanted her husband to have the adventure and the connection
with her father. The mediation was an intense three hours; both the husband and
wife were in distress over this issue.
After the mediation session, I was pleased with
some of the choices I made. I recall times when the couple became more heated
and I was able to stay centered, reflect back the needs I was hearing, and help
them hear each other. In recalling those, I feel gratified. The needs of mine
that are met are competence and contribution. I celebrate a kind of ease and
comfort that I experienced during the mediation, a facility with being able to
help this couple work through their conflict. I enjoy the contribution that I
was able to make.
In addition, I recall several times during the
mediation when I noticed I was moving out of my center (metaphorically),
towards one or the other of the disputants or towards my own agenda, and I stopped.
I took the steps necessary to return to presence without knowing necessarily
what to do in the next moment. I celebrate the moment of awareness and the
willingness to be with not knowing; I enjoyed the feeling of doing that and
want to remember those times and be willing to do the same thing in the future.
This celebration strengthens my willingness to continue to notice when IÕm not
centered and to stop, return to presence, and be ok with the unknown.
After filling myself with the celebration of meeting
my needs, I turn my attention to consider anything that made me uncomfortable.
I realized that there were times during the mediation when I moved into more of
an advisory role, revealing what I have done in similar situations in intimate
relationships. At the time, I thought my sharing might contribute, but I
realized afterward I was not sure it was what the couple really wanted. I did
not get any direct feedback that they were irritated about my sharing, but I
also did not get any feedback that it met their needs. I began to judge myself,
thinking that it probably had not contributed in the way I thought it might and
I should not have said those things.
In going through the mourning process, I notice
that the Òwhat happenedÓ was a choice I madeÑto share my own personal
experienceÑthat I afterwards was questioning and judging. My feelings as I
recall this situation are uncertainty and doubt. The needs that are not met are
to contribute and to support people in a way that meets them where they are. The
request that immediately comes to mind is that I would like to have asked and
received some feedback about how they perceived what I was offeringÑdid they
find it contributing or did it detract from their process? Since the mediation
is over and I will probably not be speaking with the couple again, I do not
have any requests of myself in terms of moving forward in the situation.
However, if the conflict was not yet resolved and another session was
scheduled, I could decide to bring it up at the next session, saying something
like, ÒI wanted to check in with you regarding the times last session when I
shared my personal experience in similar situations; did you find that
meaningful?Ó
Both celebrating and mourning lead us into
learning more about what meets our needs and what we can do to better meet them
in the future. As we think about the situation or project into the future, we
can then plan how we might meet our needs in similar circumstances. The
requests we make of ourselves are the beginning of this plan, and we might need
to create some way to remind ourselves of what we would like to do differently.
Practice is also a key element, and can help us remember what we have decided.
We can practice in our own head, playing out a situation and practicing how we
would like to respond, or we can enlist someone else to role play a situation
with us.
In going through this learning process over and
over again, we might begin to notice patterns. For example, I (Ike) have
noticed this pattern of not asking for feedback as often as I would like. My
request of myself is to be aware of this tendency and look for opportunities to
be willing to ask people whether something that has just transpired satisfies
them, meets their needs, or contributes to them. I want to be willing to engage
the people IÕm with to give me the feedback of their reactions to what I have
done.
I no longer wait for the signs that I am in the
ÒnegativeÓ learning cycle I discussed earlier to do this process; I now plan a
time following every mediation to Celebrate/Mourn/Learn. I want to reflect on
what happened and assess whether my needs were met or not, and then shift into
learning how I might better meet them next time through making requests of
myself or planning and practicing what I could do differently. In planning in
the time to go through this process, I short-circuit the tendency to stay in
judgment and blame when things do not go as I would like.
We donÕt do these processes because we should or
out of any moral imperative, we do them because we like what we create in the
world more when we are focused on needs than when we are focused on judgments.
When we focus on judgments and enemy images, we are focused on what we donÕt
want, and the mind tends to gnaw at it and get stuck there. We end up in a dead
end street. A friend of ours refers to this as Òpraying for what you donÕt
want.Ó When we are focused on what we donÕt want, in a perverse way we tend to
create more of it in our life. We experience it more simply through remembering
it over and over again, but we also create it in another way. As we focus on
what we didnÕt like in a particular situation, we tend to say to ourselves ÒIÕm
not going to do the same thing again.Ó Keeping that in our mind, however, makes
it nearly impossible to avoid it. I (Ike) find that if IÕm going into mediation
thinking, ÒI donÕt want to be as judgmental as I was last time,Ó or focused on
not having an enemy image of a person being unpleasant, it is almost assured
that IÕm going to react to what I interpret as their unpleasantness. I create
exactly what I donÕt want because I keep thinking about it.
Working with enemy images and doing the
Celebrate/Mourn/Learn process shift us out of this focus on what we donÕt want
and into being connected with our needs. In identifying the needs we are
seeking to meet, we bring into consciousness what it is we want to be creating
more of in our life, which opens up vistas of possibility for getting those
needs met. When we focus on improving how we go about meeting our needs, we
tend to fill up the space in our lives with met needs, pushing to the margins
those things that we do not want.
This is similar to the concept of the goalie
magnet, which I (Ike) learned from my kids when they were playing soccer.
Running down the field and kicking the ball at the goal, they were trained to
identify the empty space in the goal and turn it into a positive spaceÑthatÕs
where they want the ball to go. Focusing on the goalieÑwhere they do not want
the ball to goÑtends to result in kicking the ball directly to the goalie. The
same principle operates in life. We turn what we want in our lifeÑto meet our
needsÑinto the positive space that we are aiming for, instead of aiming for
those things that we want to avoid.
As we practice the Enemy Image Process and
Celebrate/Mourn/Learn after mediation, we continually re-connect with
ourselves, which helps us connect better with other people. Our ability to
transform our judgments and enemy images opens up our capacity to care equally
about the parties in the dispute and more effectively help them work towards
resolution. Since we are practicing the same mediation skills when we work with
our own thinking as when we mediate a conflict between others, the practice of
NVC mediation is scalable. Whether a conflict is internal, between our self and
another person, between two other people, or even in a whole group, the process
is essentially the same. We work to surface the needs of each perspective,
thereby fostering a sense of connection at a universal level, and then support
the finding of a strategy that will meet all the needs that are on the table.
Through surfacing needs, each person or perspective is deeply heard, and often
gains a new understanding of the motivations of other points of view. When that
happens, people begin to spontaneously collaborate to create solutions that
work. Thus, through a learnable and doable set of skills, we can successfully
mediate our own lives as well as support others to communicate as they would
like, helping them find resolutions to even long-standing conflicts.
I (John) recently went to the UN and did a
presentation for a group there dealing with third world poverty and violence.
These people are trying to help with some of the horrendous suffering that is
happening in the world, and I said to them ÒIÕm guessing you are getting lots
of emotional support for dealing with all the suffering and pain you are trying
to help with.Ó They just looked at me blankly. Then we talked about the conflicts
they had with each other, and I asked them if they were getting help with those
conflicts so they could be more effective in their work helping others, and I
found that they were not getting help with that either.
This experience was a stark reminder of the
importance of self-care. Mediating conflicts is not easy work. We must deal
with not only our own conflicts, but also other peopleÕs disputes; thus,
mediators are choosing to constantly put themselves in the midst of conflict
energy. ItÕs wonderful and rewarding work, but we find it important to
acknowledge that it can be difficult. When we are trying to do this kind of
work in the world, if we are not getting the care, nurturance, and support that
we need, then we can easily get depleted. Many times people seem to think that
the best way to help others is give up themselves, but we find the opposite is
true. The more we can care for ourselves, the more effective we are in our
attempts to help others. With NVC mediation, we have found a model that
provides a method both for self-care and helping others resolve conflicts; in
using it we are consistently working, both internally and externally, toward
the kind of world in which we want to live.